My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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