remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
how drunk are you?
Several
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
