True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
