Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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