I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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