i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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