fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
