The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize