The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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