Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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