Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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