never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
