There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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