it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
