Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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