It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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