My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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