If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
