Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
