i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
