Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
