Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
