I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
