It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
