I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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