SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
