Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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