My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
