It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
