It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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