I'd wear matching sweaters with you
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
