Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
