I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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