Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize