Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
