Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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