So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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