There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
