3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
