I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
