I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
