6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
