I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
