do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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