he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize