I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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