my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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