I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it glows. i had to have it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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