I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
