I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize