her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
