Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hippo gnu deer
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
