Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
