I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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