Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
