Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
