come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
