somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
false alarm, still single
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
